Kinda related: it's occurred to that I've only ever witnessed anyone in my life genuinely apologize for something a handful of times. Weird to think about. People really seem to struggle with this.
I teach empathy/self-empathy in the context of nonviolence and apology has a lot to do with both.
One of the issues of apology is that it is too often used for and associated with humiliation or submission. It is also associated with status/power loss.
Once you learn how to apologize without any of these and without triggering the self-preservation alarms, it becomes very easy to apologize honestly, with compassion and understanding.
Growth happens through attempting and failing and sometimes succeeding. Many of these failures involve the feelings of others.
A sincere apology is invaluable tool In remaining on the same side and building sustainable relationships over longe periods of time.
Explain why it happened (with sorry early in the explanation.)
Explain how your decision making has now changed or will change so it doesn't happen again.
Don't get the scope wrong - if you are only going to make such a minor change that lots of almost-identical incidents will still happen in future, don't bother. Conversely, if you make quite exaggerated claims about the change you will make, also maybe don't bother.
If in contrast to a real apology that promises change, your "apology" is really a backhanded promise that it'll all happen again and probably soon; don't expect that to be gracefully accepted.
As a guess; communication happens in a moment, but also over a time.
For example, I might have an apple and you might say to me 'give me your apple'. For me to distinguish between that being a 'request' or a 'demand', I need to observe what you do if I say no. If you try and take my apple by force, it was a demand. If you shrug and move on, or offer something in negotiation, it was a request. This is orthogonal to the fact it wasn't polite - it can be an impolite request. A lot of people can't distinguish a polite demand not backed by physical violence from a request, and that causes problems.
Similarly, for me the difference between an apology and say a status play is whether someone changes their behaviors meaningfully after they apologise. If behaviors do not change, it was just a status thing or some other form of insincere apology.
Another way is to make the apology conditional, which is really a form of polite demand (ie, demanding the conditional aspect of the apology with the threat of doing whatever the apology was for). This is subtle and can be quite manipulative. People sometimes recognise there is a problem but can't quite identify it.
> Another way is to make the apology conditional, which is really a form of polite demand (ie, demanding the conditional aspect of the apology with the threat of doing whatever the apology was for). This is subtle and can be quite manipulative. People sometimes recognise there is a problem but can't quite identify it.
I’m having trouble grokking this: do you have an example?
"I'll apologise for eating your apple when you apologise for being late and making me wait."
That is a basic example. This isn't going to be a genuine apology, even if the apple-eater says sorry it is in context of something more akin to a negotiation.
There is an implicit "if you cause me trouble, I am morally free to eat your apple in retaliation". There is no element of regret or mistake in this 'apology', which robs it of genuine impact.
Incidentally, that sort of negotiation in this example is a bad idea because it immediately entangles actions (eg, being late), guilt (something has happened that demands an apology, ie, hurt must be immediately acknowledged) and a level of threat (future actions may still be met with retaliation because it was justified this time).
If you reflect on that little 'apology' you can have quite a fun armchair psychology experience picking apart all the ways it conflates emotion, intent and action in ways that are unlikely to be helpful. Using the same approach on a subject more important than food can cause real damage. Many people would probably struggle to pick what was going wrong though, because on the surface it might look like an apology.
First, forgive yourself. You examine the situation and see how the actions you took met some of your needs (which is why you took them) but not others (which is why you need to forgive).
You’re basically coming clean with yourself first so that you can be solid with the rest of the world.
The way you forgive is to understand how these actions served and how they did not and recognize that at the moment of taking them you weren’t present to the second part, or deprioritized it etc.
And you spend a minute feel the emotion associated with that lack of awareness or choice. That’s the alchemy which changes your state and the state of the world. It’s simple but I usually need to teach it face to face.
Then, after you’re clean with yourself, you can communicate with the person who you want to apologize to.
- what happened, in factual, concrete language (“in the Wednesday meeting I said I’d be surprised if your code didn’t bomb, in front of the team.”)
- what you feel in the moment of the apology. Needs to match what you actually feel (not think) or its a lie. (“I am feeling some sadness and shame.”)
- what values/universal needs did the actions not accomplish, and possibly, hoped to accomplish. You figured these in the self forgiveness part. (“I realize it’s important for me to be respectful to my peers. And inclusive. The way I want to be respected and included. These words were not either. I tried to make a joke, but forgot about the rest. I apologize, wish I hadn’t done that.” And, if your introspection had this element, “I must admit I was annoyed by the issues in your last two commits because I had to stay after hours to do fixes. My remark communicated some of that but was not clear nor constructive nor respectful.”)
Then, you can
- check if they understand (this may be too formal for casual environments but can vary from “can you tell me what you heard me say?” to “how is it for you to hear this?”)
- check if you need to make amends. (“Would you like me to have a conversation with Bob and make it clear that despite two commits with issues, I do believe that you produce good quality — because that’s what I really think — and that I’d do a code review with you?”)
The big picture is: reconnect to yourself, come clean with yourself, connect + come clean with the other. Be and make it clear that you’re in the same side.
When you are clean with yourself and have grieved (strong word but actionable even in small situations. It takes one honest sigh. ) the repercussions of the actions, you are able to own up to them because you know why you took them. Very hard to manipulate / shame / guilt.
>- check if they understand (this may be too formal for casual environments but can vary from “can you tell me what you heard me say?” to “how is it for you to hear this?”)
comes off as incredibly condescending. It's hard to do that check without being condescending. You are the one (correctly) lowering your status to apologize. Putting the onus on them to signal acceptance on the spot is out of place.
The intention of this part is to ensure that the communication goes through. You do that with knowledge of the situation and the person across you.
Could be a few words, or could be a look in the eye and a nod.
I usually say something along the lines of “I’d appreciate if you could let me know if that cleared things for you.”
If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. In my experience it’s good to let the other person let me know how they are in the context of the situation and be willing to hear them out.
Sometimes I say something like "I'm not sure if I made myself clear [which is true], could you tell me what you think I said?" That is a lot better than saying something that implies that you are afraid they didn't understand because you think they are a poor listener.
People struggle with things that actually matter, or put their character in the spotlight. I've found most people will do everything they can to avoid conflict, which is bad because it means problems don't get resolved. Worse yet, some people such as myself won't correct behavior unless they get explicit feedback. I really effing hate how most people's way of dealing with conflict is through covert aggression; it's insulting because it suggests I'm not capable of arguing like a grown adult, and I'm left to interpret an issue that might just be in my head. I assume people do this for similar reasons to why they won't explicitly apologise for wrongdoings.
Wow, that's amazing to me. Maybe you are very young. But I wonder what kind of people are in your life. Although it depends what you mean 'genuinely'; maybe you rule out most apologies with that, e.g. "Sorry" for bumping into someone, inadvertently not giving them what they wanted, and other similar everyday apologies. (I do live with someone who hasn't learnt to apologize, in the way you describe. It often seems incomprehensibly inconsiderate.)
I'm not super young. And, yes, I'm discounting situations like bumping into a person in the street. I think a lot of people really struggle with admitting openly that they did something wrong. In the US, unfortunately, I think it's often seen as a sign of indecisiveness or lack of fortitude. Of course, this isn't true in every case. But I think it's probably more true than in certain other countries.
A lot of things really don't warrant an actual apology (bumping into someone, forgetting something) - there isn't a lot you could have done to prevent it. Or you are forced to apologized, even though you weren't actually regretful. Or we are forced to apologize for things we aren't actually sorry for: words that were said instead of apologizing for your contribution to the situation that led up to the words or for the situation the words caused.
If polite society doesn't allow folks to express how we actually feel and expects a lot of empty apologies for politeness sake, the genuine apologies are going to be much more rare. It isn't so much a struggle with apologies as a struggle with the expectations of others and the society we live in.
To be fair, this is mostly about American culture as I'm more familiar with it. They don't seem as necessary here in Norway for such little offenses (bumping into someone on the bus is a wordless thing, for example).
I wasn't talking about little offenses like bumping into someone. I was talking about things like making insensitive remarks or unfairly directing negative feelings or anger at someone who doesn't deserve it or wasn't the cause of the original stress factor that led to the anger. Or maybe even worse things than that. Generally, things about which a person might come to feel some kind of deeper remorse.
I do think it's often possible to identify the first person who lost their cool or decided to project their own internal conflict onto someone else. This can sometimes turn out to be oneself.
On the other hand, part of politeness is helping others feel better even if you go a bit out of the way to achieve it. American society would not be harmed by more of this.
One of the first phrases I try to learn when visiting a foreign country is how to apologize for bumping somone, or ask someone to move aside. "Excuse me" in English, "entschuldigen" in German, "jièguāng" in Mandarin. It's so much less awkward being when you can communicate with words. Is there a phrase you would use for this in Norwegian, or would you just clear your throat and tap your foot?
Most of the time, you'd just make eye contact if that. granted, i'm talking about small bumps and things that Americans apologize for daily, but are a normal part of life. Things change a little if you actually get someone to lose balance or fall down. "unnskyld meg" - a form of "excuse me" - same thing someone says if they want me to move. More importantly, make sure the other person is OK. Help them pick up stuff if dropped. Mostly, it just more seems like that sort of thing isn't as big of a deal here because it is part of life, especially on crowded buses.
Don't get me wrong, I find society really nice on the whole. If I fall down on the ice, folks make sure to ask if I'm OK. People help children (and children stop random folks to talk... they are on public buses at school age by themselves). Most people have been really patient with the language barrier - more so than I saw in the US - and people are happy I try instead of being upset that I have an accent. And granted, I was taught some of this from my Norwegian spouse and through language/civics classes required for my immigration.
I honestly hear apologies and the like more from other immigrants, and Americans seem overly polite and fake happy/apologetic in comparison.
It might be a backlash against over-parenting culture. From a young age, I was taught to apologize for everything. It wasn't until later in life that someone pointed out this was detrimental, so I stopped.
I agree with the anecdote. As a corollary anecdote, the older I get the more I see people taking advantage of other people for their own personal gain.
Yeah, I've wondered about how much this varies. I mostly have my own experience from living in the US. I've spent some time in Japan and I can imagine that what you say is true.
Honestly, it's a really nice feeling to have the opportunity to apologize for something you know you did wrong. It can really strengthen a relationship with someone.
Actually I've wondered about this. I've noticed that, in Japan, when something bad happens, it often seems that someone is expected to appear in public and apologize often while shedding a tear or two. I've seen that happen a few different times and in the same way each time. So yeah, I've thought it might just be a custom.
It's actually a running joke among foreigners living there.
Someone will apologize, bow deeply, cry (no gender difference), sometimes perform some irrelevant humiliating act (there was a girl that shaved her head) and all is good.
No actual behaviour changes, nothing is really addressed, mitigated or prevented.
Are there really no behavior changes? What happens if you shave your head, and then have to apologize again before it grows back? Seems like there are consequences that become incentives.
Sure, someone can fake sincerity, but doing the rituals forces the apologizer to think about what they've done, which, in a decent human being, leads to self-reflection and attempt to improve. This is of course gameable by sociopaths, but works decently well for anyone trying to be decent.
I attribute that to strong judgmental attitudes towards people for making mistakes, not fitting in, etc. It creates a nasty feedback loop that has taken society a lot of time to overcome and we're not all the way through.
